My boyfriend and I sat down on Monday night and made a contract, complete with goals and specific things that we are going to do to lose weight and get healthier. I parred down my goals to more immediate goals – to lose 21 pounds by June 19th. That seems pretty doable to me. We have a specific course of action that we will take to reach our goals, and when we reach our goals we are going to make new goals. I am very excited because he has made a commitment to eat better for his diabetes, and we both know that if he eats better and loses some weight, he can lower his dependence on insulin. We’ve been doing pretty good so far, and I’m very excited to see the outcome of this contract in a month or so when we can see if we have made our goals. I weighed yesterday and total, since I got off my plan, I’ve gained four pounds. I’m not back to where I was when I started, which is good, but I have a lot of hard work to do to get back to where I was, and to get to where I want to be. I’m looking forward to it.
I’m sitting up at five o’ clock in the morning, beating myself up, because I just had a dream about going to buy some pants for work, and they didn’t have my size. The problem with this is, it happened to me in real life.
I haven’t stuck with my goals. I haven’t done exercise probably since my last post on here. I haven’t stuck with my weight watchers since I got sick whenever that was – February I believe. It has been almost exactly four months since I made my weight loss goal, and I haven’t been motivated enough to work through all the crap to reach that goal. So what is it going to take for me? What do I have to do to get my head straight to do it? I feel like crap all the time. I know that I need to do it, not only for myself, but for my boyfriend, to motivate him to get off his ass and exercise so that he can better control his diabetes. But maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I’m focusing on him too much. In the end, I’m not doing this for him. I’m doing it for me. And screw the crap about the picture (wow, that caused a stink) cause I want to look like that again. I want to be able to get those clothes out of the shed and wear them! I want to stop feeling like a fat tub of lard who can’t even walk or run or anything. I am so sick of this and sick of my lack of motivation. Sick of my laziness. I need to do something. I need to motivate myself. I need the stick-to-it-ness that made me lose the weight before. I had great willpower then. I am calling on THAT person, the one that I know is inside me, to stick it out and sweat it out and get this done. Because I know that I can. It is ridiculous that I have let so much stuff get in the way of my goal. But not this time. I am going to talk to the health nurse this week and try to re-evaluate what I am doing and where I am at. And I am going to try to implement any tools that I can to get this done. I have to get serious. I am tired of feeling and looking this way and doing nothing about it but feel sorry for myself. I need that famous one-track mind of mine to get it done. And it will. I am re-starting and re-assessing. I am re-affirming and realizing. And I can make this a reality.